Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
This is classic penis vs brain.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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