Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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