smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
