I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
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