I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
