i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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