you would pick up someone in the library
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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