Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
