Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Randomize
