im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
