if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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