proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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