So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
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And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
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Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
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