I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
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