I seem to have left my pride at pride
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
