My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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