Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
