Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
