Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
