i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
