Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Randomize
