Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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