I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
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sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
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for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos