Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
