guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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