when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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