Quick, to the slutcave!
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
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I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
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Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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