I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
