Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
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