if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
We need to get me chipped asap
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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