Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
