billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Randomize
