I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
