her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You're a waste of cheezeits
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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