Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
