No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
