The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.