He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I spit up blood this morning
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.