Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
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