Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
25 Of The Most Common Life Mistakes Young People Make
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
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My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza