the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
