i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Randomize
