So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
