He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
