She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
