he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
