Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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