How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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