Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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