Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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