Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
