There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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