Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
