At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
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Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
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He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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