I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
