twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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