I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
