for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
