My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
