he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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