The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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