I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
